i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
ttyl tear gas
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
