does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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