I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Sorry about my life...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
