Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
