wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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