He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
