she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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