so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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