Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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