I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Can I color on your dick again?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
