did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Dicks are not precious.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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