I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
