if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
