I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
