im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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