Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
40s are totally the cure
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
