and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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