Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
