I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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