got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
