it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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