please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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