I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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