whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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