I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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