I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
