I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
