The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
