yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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