Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
