its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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