The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
