if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
