I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
