Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
