mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
