i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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