When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
