please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
