I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
