I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
