I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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