you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Sacagawea was the original milf.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
