I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
