Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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