Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
