after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
