I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
