How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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