Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
