She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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